Roberta's Story
Day One
I always had the feeling there was something more to life…
Something bigger than myself, bigger than all mankind. I couldn't explain what the something was but I knew that there was something waiting for me, though I was unsure what that something was.
I would find out much later that “you came into this world screaming and have never shut up since!” my mum laughed, smiling at me. “I was the first person to see you, we didn't know what to expect” my grandmother Janet adds, it was Easter Friday and always joked “don't go into labour on a Friday as that's the only night me and Eddie get to go out”. My mum pulled a silly face to mimic my gran's voice. “But you were too nosey, you couldn't wait and the doctors warned us you may not survive, I mean you were born so early, 26 weeks early, it was touch and go, your poor mum was only 15 as well.”
‘I know the plans I have for you’
Gran goes on to say “you weighed the same as a bag of sugar, 1 pound 8 ounces, the size of my hand” my mum's eyes cloud over she is remembering it all. So here I was. God was here in the beginning, and the Bible says “for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to give you a hope and a future” it says in Jeremiah 29 verse 11.
“Abigail who are you talking to” my father asks popping his head round the bedroom door. My daddy is tall with black hair and a shell suit rustles when he moves, “can't you see her” I say pointing to the ceiling light, this must be a game he is playing, why can I see her sometimes? I stare at her so long the brightness of the light hurts my eyes, Abigail's (my imaginary friend) is so beautiful! My dad scoops me up and holds me close, tumbling down my bed the covers below around me as he tucks in the sheet around me.
I like it when my daddy is home from work. My big cousin Chris told me that he wasn't at his work but he was in prison but I'm not listening to him because my daddy wouldn't tell me lies. Chris is only jealous because he doesn't have a guardian angel. Religion was never spoken about in our house, the family was divided, half Catholic, half Protestant. Being from the West of Scotland our mindset associated religion with football, I didn't understand how this fitted in with God? I mean I had never heard of Jesus popping up at a game of football!
Age 5
My dad's away to work again and I can't wake up my mum, I pull a chair into the dark hallway to open the front door, it's dark outside and I walk to my Nana's house because I'm hungry. “You come and stay with us now until your mum's better”, my Aunt tells me. My stomach is turning over like a tumbleweed in the wind, my pulse quickens as I glance at the clock, tick tock the sound echoes in my head, it is nearly time, I bite my lip looking around the room all around me everybody is shuffling shoes, scuffing nervous twitches, the time seems to stand still. As I glance at the clock once more I take a deep breath and listened to the ticking impersonating my heart beat tick tock tick tock as the last school bell rings I leave from my seat in excitement and shove the book I've been holding on to my school rucksack. I leave the classroom and collect my coat from the peg, all around me is smiling faces, each of them happy to be going home, not me, today I'm leaving, today my granny's picking me up and we're going to England.
‘World War 3 breaks loose’
The sound of the glass shattering makes me sit up in bed I am fully aware with a feeling of fear rising from my toes. My sister Molly snuggled closer to me, I pull up the covers and tuck them under her chin as angry voices rise from the party below, we hear an argument regarding furniture then World War 3 breaks loose. I tell Molly to stay with me and she and I pray silently. I tip toe barefooted along the landing to the top of the stairs, panic is starting to take hold as I hold my breath, scared as the anger pours out below, different voices shouting, trying to be heard, someone’s trying to calm the situation when down when the front door slams. Someone attempts to make a joke “just have another drink” a voice screams out, my stepdad is not in the mood, and I hear a bang as he strikes my mum, she begins to scream as he drags her by the hair into the kitchen. I stop deadly still as I hear the second bang as he crunches her hitting her face off a tiled floor.
Age 12
I instantly feel better as the cap snaps and the fizzy bubbles of the cider fill my cup. breakfast is served, the room is cold and smells of urine. I try to sleep as doors slam around me, different voices echoing down the corridor, I feel an itchy blanket as I try to get comfortable, it’s another night in the cells. Later a deadpan voice filled the courtroom “you are a menace to society, a danger to yourself and others, I have no option but to sentence you to 4 years imprisonment, take her down”.
I thought I knew it all, full of bravado a cocky smile and a swagger to cover up my insecurities. I felt I was hopeless lost, alone and feel unloved and unwanted, my daughter Molly was taken into care and Kev was murdered whilst I was inside. God pulled me close and I started going to church, eager to learn more and began to read my Bible daily. Here I learnt of God’s love for me “for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”. John chapter 3 verse 16.
Age 23
I am standing there on the Tracks, the world began to move in slow motion, I did not want to die but was so caught up in my own self-pity, so drunk I thought it would be ok, I should have walked 100m to walk over the bridge. “You will be fine” the Devil On Your Shoulder told me, yeah looks like it now, a train is heading straight for me, it freezes me to the spot, all I can smell is the oil and the sound of the screeching metal. I cannot move, too late, I wait to start drifting, to be taken away floating to Heaven.
I open my eyes I am shaking but alive, I pop myself from under the train, I feel numb, my arms and legs are all intact but blood is dripping down my face. “we need you to go to hospital” a police officer says kindly as he guides me towards the waiting ambulance. When I feel alone, I thought I had no one I thought, that no one cared, but God was there to protect me, God is faithful. “You will not be tempted beyond what you can bear, but when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so you can stand up under it” 1st Corinthians chapter 10 verse 13. “So how did you get them stitches in your eye?” he asked. “I was hit by a train” I reply, “pull the other one!” I pulled out the discharge papers out from my bag “there” I say pointing their black and white “you've been lucky”, Robert says as he stands to go to the toilet.
Age 25
“If you don't stop drinking you will die!” the doctor says “If you carry on you’ll develop pancreatitis and the damage will be too far advanced, morphine won't kill your pain” I have to go to rehab, mum's addiction worker states. I do not want the same fate.
1 year later… “I wish you could have been here to see her, she is gorgeous, I can't believe she is ours!” I say, Robert and I gaze adoringly down at a newborn daughter.
Today
I am once again incarcerated but this time it is different, the difference is within me. A friend suggested I go to Prison Fellowship. When I first attended, I noticed there was a very different atmosphere, it was as if you could leave your mask behind, the mask you wore back in the hall, you could be yourself, everyone is warm and welcoming. God had carried me through the tough times and is always there to love me, care for and protect me.
With time my faith has grown and I am always astonished that God is always there, ready to forgive no matter what, as long as we let him into our hearts and lives. I am slowly becoming more confident and have took part in plays and singing in front of others. I am in study also at university even though I was recently diagnosed as having dyslexia.
With God on my side I believe I can achieve anything. The members of the prison fellowship and now my extended family mean everything to me, I cannot imagine how my time would be without their support and encouragement, yes, I sometimes get stick from other prisoners but if only they would open their Hearts to Jesus they too could feel at ease and have the support and guidance so they are not consumed by negativity and sin.